also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
