I puked a lego.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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