What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
