I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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