It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish you could order shots online.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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