I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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