You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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