can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
