if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
