Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
