my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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