i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
