Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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