Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
