my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
