I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
