I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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