The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
my liver is dry heaving
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
