Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
