He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
