he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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