Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
