I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
