i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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