Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
