Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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