Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
