Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
