Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
