do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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