Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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