and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
