i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
