shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
