omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
