He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
