walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
