You smell like a Billy Joel song
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
