onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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