Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
