I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
