hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
