He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Pooping to opera.
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