i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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