Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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