No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
