I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
