i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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