my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
