i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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