Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
